The number one thing that makes therapy work is the relationship between therapist and client. You want to feel safe and connected when you talk to your T, or at least feel the potential for those feelings (some of us take longer to trust than others).
So when you’re looking for a new therapist, you want to do a gut check.
Remember, you’re selecting this person for a service. Essentially you’re interviewing them for a job. But there’s not a lot of pressure on either of us: either we click or we don’t. It’s a weird alchemy we can’t always explain. So we just have a wide open half hour to chat and explore, with no worries if we don’t quite mesh. That’s exactly what we’re here to find out!
To that end, you might want to have a couple of questions prepared, like what modality they use, whether they have supervision (always a good sign), or whether they have experience with the particular problem you’re facing. But honestly, most people do not have a list of questions, and that is perfectly alright. Because again: we are here to check the vibe, first and foremost.
On occasion, I might let a person know that I have realized I won’t be able to work with them. Often, it’s because I’m just not qualified- there are areas for which therapists need specialized training, like eating disorders, and it would be unethical (and potentially very dangerous) for me to pretend I can work with you if I don’t have the skills. Other times, there might be a conflict of interest, like I am close to someone in your life, or we belong to the same very small community. The bottom line in those situations is that I need to be able to maintain neutrality and confidentiality with every client. So sometimes I have to make judgment calls. All that is to say: trust that the therapist is doing due diligence on their end, and if they decide they aren’t able to work with you, there is probably a good reason.
Back to the gut. When you are talking to the potential therapist, pay attention to your own responses. Do you feel nervous? Comfortable? Awkward? Do you feel like they laugh at enough of your jokes? (This is a big one for me). Does the therapist seem compassionate and curious? If you feel comfortable and safe with them, this is a very good sign. You might even feel excited to get down to work and start having sessions! This is an unquestionably good sign.
You want to feel like this person could really get you.
Take some time after the consult- maybe even 24 hours, to see if anything comes up for you. Some of us might have a very different experience during the consult because a part of us wants to please the therapist for whatever reason, and it’s only afterward that we might feel a bit off. That’s ok! You are gathering information.
In the end, you can send the therapist an email telling them of your decision. Or if you can’t face sending a rejection email and want to quietly ghost them… that is totally ok.
I think of it this way: you have made a connection with a person (like me!) who is going to be out there somewhere, wishing you well in your therapy journey, whether you choose them as your therapist or not. That’s pretty nice.