These are some resources to help you regulate distress. I have compiled this list over the years, drawing from many different types of trauma therapy and healing practices.
I use these especially in the first phase of trauma therapy, as we build safety in order to one day do deeper work together. We are talking “whatever gets you through the night”.
None of these resources completely eliminate distress (thanks to trauma guru Janina Fisher for the idea of 10% solutions). Think of them as taking a bit of the edge off (if you think of them as a miracle cure, you’ll just end up annoyed!). None of these will make you feel 100% better, but if you stack them you might feel better enough to make it through to the morning, the next therapy appointment, the next available hug.
Some of these are building blocks for future healing, some just help you survive the present moment. Practice layering them!
Co-regulation: the number one way human beings regulate
“Self-regulation” is a bit of a misnomer. At least, it can’t stand on its own. The foundation of all emotional regulation is co-regulation, because we are social beings.
This resource can bring up pain if your heart is hurting or lonely, so select whatever feels comfortable and low-impact.
- being in the physical presence of others (even at an office, meditation community, yoga class), music in community, attunement with therapist, pets
- hugging or snuggling a loved one, either human or animal (physical weight or pressure is an added bonus to calm the nervous system)
- A gentle voice: talking with a loved one or words of reassurance (not problem solving). Tone of voice is important (a gentle, assured tone helps regulate the nervous system, so this works even listening to a story or meditation read in a soothing voice)
- even imagining receiving unconditional love, as in compassion/Metta meditation, can be a substitute for in-person co-regulation. It works! Really sense into how it FELT to be loved by this person, what sensations this generated in your body. Engage in appreciation and gratitude for the love you felt. Many meditation apps have Metta/Lovingkindness/Compassion meditation. Check out the work of Kristin Neff or do some HeartMath (they have an app). Sending compassion to self or others is just as effective at tempering distress.
- If you are alone, you can mimic coregulation. Putting a hand over your heart while doing compassion meditation helps: the gentle pressure on the chest calms the nervous system. Hand over heart also helps you focus your positive emotions in the area of the heart, which helps increase cardiac coherence and a state of calm (see: HeartMath).
Engaging the Thinking Brain (lightly, not rumination, distraction counts)
- Get curious and stay curious! In the window of tolerance (our regulated, non-activated state) we are curious, not judgmental. Practice asking questions with wonder, delight, fascination, and awe, especially towards yourself and your internal life. This can make even a trip to the dentist more bearable, I was shocked to discover.
- Notice your experience right now, in the moment (using your senses, or counting five red things in the room as in DBT).
- Distraction is a real help. Watch a nature show, do a word puzzle. Pay focused attention to how you are sensing/feeling the world around you. Don’t beat yourself up for using distraction, be proud you’re taking care of yourself!
- For staying in the window of tolerance, rather than trying to return to it from a place of high distress: use mental focus on a task with little emotional content. Organize shelves, plan a vacation, research something. Some people do extended, zone-out focus on a task like ironing. Whatever floats your boat.
- Creative activities like painting or dance use the thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) on multiple levels. You get double points for dance, as exertion releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenalin (see the note on vigorous movement under Somatic Resources)
- Engage your imagination. Many arts-based activities will do this. Engage with myth, imagery, storytelling, mystery, playfulness and joy. Watch, read, or listen to something that transports you to an alternate reality. Imaginative escapism is tried, tested, and true.
- Playfulness, silliness, laughter. Watch a comedy special or be goofy with a kid (inner kid counts). It’s hard to be in a trauma response and be silly at the same time.
Somatic Resources
- Interoception: Using our Mindful Observer/ Thinking Mind/ Noticing Mind to be aware of how our body and nervous system are reacting. Cultivate a friendly curiosity towards your sensations. (but if you are feeling resistance to your body’s reaction, just notice that resistance with friendliness).
- Focused mindfulness i.e. a body scan, Brainspotting (look up a technique called Vergence that uses eye muscles to regulate distress)
- Moving in a way that feels good
- Somatic resources help shift the nervous system: stand up, get a glass of water, hand on heart, vigorous movement discharges stress hormones (running, bouncing on a trampoline)
- bilateral stimulation: engage in movements that use both sides of the body (walking, running, crawling, dancing). These engage both hemispheres of the brain and help the nervous system to shift out of a state of hyperarousal or activation.
- Vocalization! A big sigh, or humming, signals to the nervous system that there is no immediate threat.
- Sensory activities: warm bath, hot chocolate, soothing sounds, soft touch on the face (such as applying makeup with soft brushes: stimulates the vagus nerve), weighted blanket, chewy food (engaging jaw muscles is helpful for fight parts).
- Comfort food, but really sense it and appreciate it (notice texture, aroma, flavour)
- Alignment: mindfully lengthening your spine. The disregulated nervous system often results in a hunched or compressed spine. Lengthening the spine sends the reverse message: nothing to be afraid of here. Do this anywhere!
- Grounding activities while noticing physical sensation (washing dishes, cleaning, cooking, walking, sensing feet)