When new clients start with me, I have a laundry list of administrative things to check in with them about. But one thing I always say when I start the therapy is: if you ever feel angry with me, if I do something that hurts or offends you, I am inviting you in advance to talk to me about it.
In relational types of therapy, the relationship is part of the therapy. We don’t get together for me to administer a protocol to you, or give you tasks, or teach you skills (although some of that might come up on occasion). Being in the relationship itself is a big part of the healing. In some ways, it can be like a “re-parenting”, for those whose needs weren’t met the first time around. And the relationship with the therapist can become like a lab for your other relationships. You can experiment with different ways of being: you can try on assertiveness for size, and I won’t shut you down. You can set boundaries in a new way, and I’ll cheer you on.
Rupture is a prime example of when the therapeutic relationship is like a lab. It is almost inevitable, as in any relationship, that your therapist might hurt you at some point. I will make the utmost effort to never, ever do that, but there will be times when I make mistakes, get defensive or frustrated, am clumsy or unclear with my words. My clients know that I have my own therapist and it’s my responsibility to manage my defensiveness, for example, but if it ever rears its ugly head… a rupture can happen.
If you bring your hurt and your anger to me, I can apologize. I can hear you out and center your feelings, not my own. I will work hard to be humble and repair the relationship with you. In so many cases, this is a client’s first experience of being heard in a conflict. Conflict with anyone can be fruitful when you’re able to really hear each other, but the thing with partners and family members especially is that they have their own needs, their own longstanding resentments, their triggers. And they are trying to get their ownneeds met in the relationship. As your therapist, I don’t. It’s my job to bracket my needs, take care of my triggers outside of work, and put you at the centre, with attentiveness and compassion. When that happens, the deep hurts you have been holding take on a whole new light. Instead of being locked in a self-protective stance, you have room to ease into healing. And that, my friends, is the good stuff.
The result of good repair is euphoric, for all involved. For me, the euphoria is there because I know from experience that when we are able to repair a rupture, the therapy levels up from there. We reach a new level of trust, a feeling of powerful collaboration, and we are ready to take on new challenges.
Many people fear conflict, or are worried about harming the relationship with their therapist by speaking up. I’m here to tell you that if you can challenge yourself to do it, it’s an exciting opportunity to super-charge the healing process.